Advice for Christians struggling with sexual sin

Having discussed in the last post the sinfulness of masturbation, we are now forced to confront the reality that our sexual desires rarely seem to act in accord with our beliefs.  That is, we may know that it is unwise to "stir up" desires at this point in our lives, but that doesn't stop our bodies from becoming sexually aroused---quite often!  Are we up against an insurmountable obstacle?  God forbid!  Let me remind you of some truths.

1. God created us to seek pleasure, just as He seeks pleasure

God did not create sex just so He could tell people not to indulge in it.  Rather, He created sex because He delights in pleasure Himself.  He made us as sexual creatures so we could experience this pleasure.  This stands in sharp contrast to evolutionary thinking, in which sex randomly arose from natural selection because it inferred a survival advantage.  Sex is a very beautiful, purposeful activity, and we should love it just as God loves it.  Indeed, when God made Adam, who was created as a sexual creature, He declared that it was "very good" (Gen. 1).  It is an utterly false notion that sex or nakedness is inherently evil.  This thinking may be found in the ascetism of some pagans, but it should never be found in the thinking of Christians.  Remember, in 1 Cor. 7:5 Paul said that husbands and wives should not deprive one another of sex.  God loves marriage, romance, and sex so much that He wrote an entire book dedicated to the subject: Song of Solomon.  Many might be shocked to discover that the book very graphically describes (using metaphors) the intoxicating thrill of sexual pleasure experienced between two lovers.

2. Since God loves to please us, He has told us how we may receive the best kind of sexual pleasure

If God created sex and wants us to enjoy it to the fullest extent then don't you think He would have told us how we might best enjoy sex?  Well, He did tell us---in His word.  The most satisfying way and the only satisfying way to experience sexual fulfillment is through the union of marriage.  The best analogy I've heard involves fire: inside of the fireplace, a fire brings warmth and comfort.  But outside of the fireplace, the fire burns uncontrollaby, spreading to all parts of the house, destroying everything and bringing great plain and loss.  The similarity to sex is astounding: outside of marriage, our sexual desire knows no end because it can never find an object that completely satisfies it.  How many times have you been "burned" by sexual sin?

3. Satan's desire for you is your destruction, not your pleasure

Never forget that our God is the Lord of pleasure (Ps. 16:11, Ps. 145).  Satan, who is the king of this world's system of thinking, could not care less whether you are happy.  He will use anything he can to hinder your walk with the Lord.  If he can deceive you by offering you false promises of pleasure, he will.  Lust looks great from the outside, but afterward we always find ourselves disappointed.  The reason is simple: only the truth can bring true, lasting pleasure.  And the truth is that we were created for sex within God's context, not the world's false, fake, ugly version of sexual pleasure.  Christ had the following to say about the devil:

When you do sin, don't think for a moment that Satan is actually glad that you are receiving pleasure.  1 Peter 5:8 says that he is like a "roaring lion, seeking who he may devour."  He wants you to sin, and he knows that the wages of sin are death (Romans 6:23).  Christ, on the other hand, promises just the opposite: "I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly" (John 10:10).

4. Sexual fulfillment through sexual sin is a lie

Sin is fun for a moment, until reality sets in---the reality that we traded something good (our purity and holiness) for something awful (shame and regret).  As it says in Romans 1, we have "exchanged the truth of God for a lie."  Are you surprised, then, that the Bible talks of sin in terms of slavery?  And the truth in terms of freedom?  Consider John 8:31-6.

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” They answered Him, “We are Abraham’s descendants, and have never been in bondage to anyone. How can You say, ‘You will be made free’?” Jesus answered them, “Most assuredly, I say to you, whoever commits sin is a slave of sin. And a slave does not abide in the house forever, but a son abides forever. Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.

• Memorize God's word
  Psalm 119:9-11 says, "How can a young man cleanse his way?  By taking heed according to your word. ... Your word I have hidden in my heart that I might not sin against you."  The point, of course, is not memorizing for memorization's sake, but to have our mind constantly filled with truth and goodness (Phil. 4:8).  When our minds are filled with truth they are not filled with lies.
  

• Get out and do something
  If your life is sedentary and your mind is idle, you are far more likely to fall prey to your fleshly desires.  The old proverb, "An idle brain is the devil's playground" is quite true.  So do something, particularly something challenging and meaningful.  Get some exercise.  Help the elderly.  Lead a Bible study.  There are millions of ways you can encourage, provide, and care for others.  Determine what opportunities God has given you and pursue them.  When you are busy doing good you are far less likely to find yourself in tempting situations.  The recent book Do Hard Things looks like it is trying to motivate young people along these lines.
  
  
• Get in a schedule
  Tying in heavily with the previous point, you need some way to ensure that you will be doing something.  You need a schedule.  When you do whatever whenever you are more likely to find yourself slipping into situations you'd best not be in.  For example, I have my internet filter set such that I cannot use the internet past 11:00.  This forces me to get off of the computer and get to bed.  The more tired I am, the more I am tempted.  Likewise, in the morning you should wake up at a regular time and get out of bed immediately.
  
  
• Use media for a purpose
  When you use the internet or TV, have a purpose in mind.  Avoid "surfing".  You are infinitely more likely to "accidentally" surf into something you shouldn't.  So when you use the internet, check your email, check the blogs you want, look up the info you need, and then get off.  This will also ensure that you don't waste time using media that you could use doing more profitable activities, such as investing in relationships.
  
  
• Put your TV and computer out in the open, and get a filter
  Keep them in places where people can see what you are doing.  Use them only when others are around.  Also, get an internet filter if you don't have one.  Fifty dollars a year is more than worth it.  I use Bsafe Online because it is run from a server and not from your computer, so you can't tamper with it.  If you buy the filter for yourself and don't want to know the password, create a really long number that will be impossible for you to remember.  Write down the password on a piece of paper and give it to a friend or family member.  Tell them why you are giving it to them and tell them not to give it you unless they are with you at the computer.  (In case you need to change the options.)  Yes, the filter will sometimes block sites that are appropriate.  Get over it.  If you are serious about getting pure and staying pure, things like that are an afterthought.
  
  
• Invest in godly relationships
  Everyone desires relationships, right?  Well, go build some.  Go spend time with family and friends.  It is particularly valuable to have good friends of the opposite sex, too, I believe.  Furthermore, get out of friendships that are causing more harm than good.  This can be tough, but you must do it.  Don't succumb to the notion that you're going to "win" your lost friends by involving yourself in worldly activities with them.
  
  
• Get an accountability partner
  Find someone that you respect, someone who cares about your spiritual well-being, and someone who is responsible.  (I would highly recommend finding someone older than you who has experience and wisdom.)  Ask them to check up on whether you are staying pure.  They need to be forward with you.  Accountability means no excuses, no lame attempts to avoid the question.  "Are you staying completely pure in thought and deed?"  And, just as importantly, "What will you do to ensure that you will stay pure/get pure?"  Talk over your strategy with your partner.  Pray with your partner.
  
  
• Pray
• Pray for God to satisfy your need for intimacy
  Prayer is intimate, and what you need is intimacy.  So pray to the Father, and ask Him to draw you closer to Him.  Ask Him to grow you in Christ-likeness and provide for you in every way.  Why is it that we say, "Christ is all we need?"  Will Christ actually fulfill our sexual desires?  Only in the sense that He can and will fulfill our desires for intimacy.  After all, intimacy is what we're really seeking, not sex.  When you are married, enjoy sex, but don't think that you need sex in order to be satisfied.  You may want sex---and that is good---but all you need is Christ.  Learn the difference and pray accordingly.
• Pray for God to give you pure desires
  Why is it that we forget that God wants to sanctify us?  If our desires are holy desires, then will He not satisfy them? (Ps. 37:4)  Henry Scougal once wrote, "Hast thou excited these desires in my soul, and wilt thou not also satisfy them?"  He was talking about his God-given desire for holiness.  Since our desires determine our choices, and God sovereignly determines our desires, ask God that He would give you desires for purity.  Do you really think He will reject your petition?  Of course, He won't suddenly remove your sexual desire---and He's not supposed to.  Ask Him not for an end to the battle but the strength and willingness to fight.  Rejoice in your God-given desires for sex, but rejoice even more in your God-given desires for self-control.
  

• Desiring God --- the classic text by John Piper regarding the pursuit of pleasure.  Piper's concept of "Christian hedonism" has changed my life, and has revolutionized my view of sexual sin.  If this is too long for you, get the condensed version of the book: The Dangerous Duty of Delight.
• The Life of God in the Soul of Man --- the Puritan text that inspired John Piper and many others.  The author, Henry Scougal, wrote this book on his deathbed when he was just 27.  A very short but very powerful book.
• The Purity Principle --- A very short book by Randy Alcorn that combines Christian hedonism with lots of practical advice and thought-provoking insights on purity.